Stillness Beyond Breath
Harbin Hot Springs, California
2010


We meet in the early morning
At the hot spring pool still
Between ball-shaped Harbin domes
That within and outside
Feel like spaceships
 
Life for me is simply practice
Practice of what I am
Practice of what we all are
Practice

During my early chats with my higher self
I discover that letters can be rearranged
For messages to be brought through

Surr
End
‘er
End her

In my current process
I am ending her
I am surr-end-ering into my light body
Leaving behind my heavy form

Practices of surrender find me
Everything finds me
Everyone finds me
All I do these days
Is awaken
Into day
And from there
Invite the unfolding

In the warm water
I let go of my naked form
Into his arms
Allowing him to guide, pull, move
Me through the fluidity
We begin our water dance

Liquid warmth passes along
My skin
Moving
Moving
Moving

I float on my back fast
I curl into his body
I swim without effort
I am

Nose clip gets placed
Breath is cut off
Until I open my lips
Breathing through my mouth
With deep desperate breaths at first
Then slow

I continue being moved through
Warm liquid
Continue letting go
Until his fingers push down on my face
And press my body under water
I am now fully under water
Without breath
Blowing bubbles

It had been easier before
I had been so determined to not be afraid
That I had pushed away the raw fear
Of allowing a strange man to hold my face and body
Under water
Cut off from breath
This time around
I feel panic rise up in me

I pull up
Gasp in the air

Our water dance continues
He again presses my face down
Until I am under the water
I feel my long hair intertwine over my face
Cutting me off even further from air
My body tenses
My face twists into fear
Again I fight upwards
Realize I don’t even know what is upwards
Raw survival rising up within

Why am I so afraid this time around?
I check in with myself
I invite in Source
I invite in my star family
Why is this so terrifying this time around?

“You trust strangers more than you trust
those you know.”
Comes through
My breath quickens
As I realize the raw truth of this

The man who held me down under water
Last time
Was a total stranger
This man who is holding me down
Is one I more better
And I trust him less




I pause our water dance
I stand up on the bottom
I stand with that statement
Why is it that I trust strangers more than those
Who know me
Who I know

I let that question sit within me

Mmmm
No real risk with a stranger
No deep emotional risk on my end
Mmmm

Got it
Now practice in overcoming
That please

“I’m ready to go under,”
I say

Our water dance continues
He pulls me quickly through the water
I let go of my arms
I let go of my legs
I let go
I want to let go of not trusting those I know
I want to trust all
I want to love all

He pushes me down under water
Flips me into a under-water roll
My sense of all direction vanishes
I’m now deep under water
Turned around
Without breath
My face covered with long hair
And I must push through the fear
Of getting hurt

He brings me up for a short breath
And down under again
I am pulled down into the water
I am dragged fast down deep in the water
I am held under for endless time
Until I break within

In one instant moment
I surrender
I let go of my need for breath
I let go of my need for control
I let go of my need to have my life
I let go
And in that moment
I shatter within
Into a space
Where it feels like my body no longer
Needs breath

My physical body
Feels a distinct transformation
Into that of a marine creature

Without breath
I am swum through the deep warm waters
I stay down under the water
With no need to surface for a breath

I discover a space of complete stillness
Outside of breath

I feel my limp body
Pulled, dragged, moved
Through the warm water
And feel no need
For a breath
Ever

In that moment
It feels like my body could transform
Into a light body that doesn’t even need
Oxygen in the ways that I’ve believed
Human bodies to need oxygen
It feels like I could take in a breath
And feed off it for endless time

When I’m brought up for air
With my hair flung across my face and lips
I’m almost reluctant to take in a breath

There is a death/life space
That I’ve fallen into for the first time
There is a space outside of breath
There is a space outside of body
And in that space
I long to float within
 

The life/death space holds me
As soon as I take a sip of oxygen
I long for that space
And feel myself moved down
Under the waters into stillness
Of complete surr-end-‘er.

******************************WE ARE ALL STARS***************************

All images and writing are copyrighted.  These stories will be published by 2012.
Printed version available upon request.
All feedback and comments are welcome.  Please send to blissmeander at gmail.com