Stillness Beyond Breath
Harbin Hot Springs, California

We meet in the early morning
At the hot spring pool still
Between ball-shaped Harbin domes
That within and outside
Feel like spaceships
Life for me is simply practice
Practice of what I am
Practice of what we all are

During my early chats with my higher self
I discover that letters can be rearranged
For messages to be brought through

End her

In my current process
I am ending her
I am surr-end-ering into my light body
Leaving behind my heavy form

Practices of surrender find me
Everything finds me
Everyone finds me
All I do these days
Is awaken
Into day
And from there
Invite the unfolding

In the warm water
I let go of my naked form
Into his arms
Allowing him to guide, pull, move
Me through the fluidity
We begin our water dance

Liquid warmth passes along
My skin

I float on my back fast
I curl into his body
I swim without effort
I am

Nose clip gets placed
Breath is cut off
Until I open my lips
Breathing through my mouth
With deep desperate breaths at first
Then slow

I continue being moved through
Warm liquid
Continue letting go
Until his fingers push down on my face
And press my body under water
I am now fully under water
Without breath
Blowing bubbles

It had been easier before
I had been so determined to not be afraid
That I had pushed away the raw fear
Of allowing a strange man to hold my face and body
Under water
Cut off from breath
This time around
I feel panic rise up in me

I pull up
Gasp in the air

Our water dance continues
He again presses my face down
Until I am under the water
I feel my long hair intertwine over my face
Cutting me off even further from air
My body tenses
My face twists into fear
Again I fight upwards
Realize I don’t even know what is upwards
Raw survival rising up within

Why am I so afraid this time around?
I check in with myself
I invite in Source
I invite in my star family
Why is this so terrifying this time around?

“You trust strangers more than you trust
those you know.”
Comes through
My breath quickens
As I realize the raw truth of this

The man who held me down under water
Last time
Was a total stranger
This man who is holding me down
Is one I more better
And I trust him less

I pause our water dance
I stand up on the bottom
I stand with that statement
Why is it that I trust strangers more than those
Who know me
Who I know

I let that question sit within me

No real risk with a stranger
No deep emotional risk on my end

Got it
Now practice in overcoming
That please

“I’m ready to go under,”
I say

Our water dance continues
He pulls me quickly through the water
I let go of my arms
I let go of my legs
I let go
I want to let go of not trusting those I know
I want to trust all
I want to love all

He pushes me down under water
Flips me into a under-water roll
My sense of all direction vanishes
I’m now deep under water
Turned around
Without breath
My face covered with long hair
And I must push through the fear
Of getting hurt

He brings me up for a short breath
And down under again
I am pulled down into the water
I am dragged fast down deep in the water
I am held under for endless time
Until I break within

In one instant moment
I surrender
I let go of my need for breath
I let go of my need for control
I let go of my need to have my life
I let go
And in that moment
I shatter within
Into a space
Where it feels like my body no longer
Needs breath

My physical body
Feels a distinct transformation
Into that of a marine creature

Without breath
I am swum through the deep warm waters
I stay down under the water
With no need to surface for a breath

I discover a space of complete stillness
Outside of breath

I feel my limp body
Pulled, dragged, moved
Through the warm water
And feel no need
For a breath

In that moment
It feels like my body could transform
Into a light body that doesn’t even need
Oxygen in the ways that I’ve believed
Human bodies to need oxygen
It feels like I could take in a breath
And feed off it for endless time

When I’m brought up for air
With my hair flung across my face and lips
I’m almost reluctant to take in a breath

There is a death/life space
That I’ve fallen into for the first time
There is a space outside of breath
There is a space outside of body
And in that space
I long to float within

The life/death space holds me
As soon as I take a sip of oxygen
I long for that space
And feel myself moved down
Under the waters into stillness
Of complete surr-end-‘er.

******************************WE ARE ALL STARS***************************

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