Stillness Beyond Breath Harbin Hot Springs, California 2010
We meet in the early morning At the hot spring pool still Between ball-shaped Harbin domes That within and outside Feel like spaceships
Life for me is simply practice Practice of what I am Practice of what we all are Practice
During my early chats with my higher self I discover that letters can be rearranged For messages to be brought through
Surr End ‘er End her
In my current process I am ending her I am surr-end-ering into my light body Leaving behind my heavy form
Practices of surrender find me Everything finds me Everyone finds me All I do these days Is awaken Into day And from there Invite the unfolding
In the warm water I let go of my naked form Into his arms Allowing him to guide, pull, move Me through the fluidity We begin our water dance
Liquid warmth passes along My skin Moving Moving Moving
I float on my back fast I curl into his body I swim without effort I am
Nose clip gets placed Breath is cut off Until I open my lips Breathing through my mouth With deep desperate breaths at first Then slow
I continue being moved through Warm liquid Continue letting go Until his fingers push down on my face And press my body under water I am now fully under water Without breath Blowing bubbles
It had been easier before I had been so determined to not be afraid That I had pushed away the raw fear Of allowing a strange man to hold my face and body Under water Cut off from breath This time around I feel panic rise up in me
I pull up Gasp in the air
Our water dance continues He again presses my face down Until I am under the water I feel my long hair intertwine over my face Cutting me off even further from air My body tenses My face twists into fear Again I fight upwards Realize I don’t even know what is upwards Raw survival rising up within
Why am I so afraid this time around? I check in with myself I invite in Source I invite in my star family Why is this so terrifying this time around?
“You trust strangers more than you trust those you know.” Comes through My breath quickens As I realize the raw truth of this
The man who held me down under water Last time Was a total stranger This man who is holding me down Is one I more better And I trust him less
I pause our water dance I stand up on the bottom I stand with that statement Why is it that I trust strangers more than those Who know me Who I know
I let that question sit within me
Mmmm No real risk with a stranger No deep emotional risk on my end Mmmm
Got it Now practice in overcoming That please
“I’m ready to go under,” I say
Our water dance continues He pulls me quickly through the water I let go of my arms I let go of my legs I let go I want to let go of not trusting those I know I want to trust all I want to love all
He pushes me down under water Flips me into a under-water roll My sense of all direction vanishes I’m now deep under water Turned around Without breath My face covered with long hair And I must push through the fear Of getting hurt
He brings me up for a short breath And down under again I am pulled down into the water I am dragged fast down deep in the water I am held under for endless time Until I break within
In one instant moment I surrender I let go of my need for breath I let go of my need for control I let go of my need to have my life I let go And in that moment I shatter within Into a space Where it feels like my body no longer Needs breath
My physical body Feels a distinct transformation Into that of a marine creature
Without breath I am swum through the deep warm waters I stay down under the water With no need to surface for a breath
I discover a space of complete stillness Outside of breath
I feel my limp body Pulled, dragged, moved Through the warm water And feel no need For a breath Ever
In that moment It feels like my body could transform Into a light body that doesn’t even need Oxygen in the ways that I’ve believed Human bodies to need oxygen It feels like I could take in a breath And feed off it for endless time
When I’m brought up for air With my hair flung across my face and lips I’m almost reluctant to take in a breath
There is a death/life space That I’ve fallen into for the first time There is a space outside of breath There is a space outside of body And in that space I long to float within
The life/death space holds me As soon as I take a sip of oxygen I long for that space And feel myself moved down Under the waters into stillness Of complete surr-end-‘er.
******************************WE ARE ALL STARS***************************
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