SACRED SURRENDERS
California
2009

I meet her
Standing in line for an Amma darshan
She has a beautiful smile
Which brings her entire being alive
Her radiance lights up from the inside
As most of us spiritual freaky people
Tend to do

She’s a middle-aged heiress
Everything she has wanted
She has had
Except for peace within
Except for stillness within
Except for purpose

She tells me about her conversation
With her guru
She speaks about this as if it happened
It’s never clear to me if it did or not
Yet in her head
It clearly did

She tells me that her guru
Told her that
In order to surrender
She must marry
The next man who proposes to her

I interrupt her story
Laughing a bit
I mean
How many marriage proposals does a girl get?
I’ve never had one

“Oh men ask me to marry them
all the time.” She answers
I suppose it’s different
When you’re a beautiful heiress
Living in Malibu

She continues with her story
She went out on a first date
With a “cigar smoking, scotch drinking
Wealthy punjabi man.
He proposed on the second date.
I accepted.
I fly to India next week for the wedding.”

She says all this as if
She is telling me about a normal event
As if everyone out there
Marries strangers after
In-the-head conversations with their guru

I flip out
My heart starts to pound
I want to cry
I want to be held
I want to run away
Except there is no where to run

How have I allowed myself
To step so far away from consensus reality?
Instead of being an eccentric professor
I’m now here wrapped in white
Waiting for a hug from an Indian saint
Hearing about a path of surrender
That makes me feel we’re all insane

I wish her all the best
I hug her
Then walk quickly away
To a corner
Surrounded by mystical crowds
I curl up on the floor and sob
I sob like the world ended
As for me
It did

As I deeply know
That we must all touch insanity
And push beyond insanity
In order to surrender our ego
In order to surrender our limited view of ourselves
In order to live here
As we’re meant to live.

******************************WE ARE ALL STARS***************************

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